Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
