I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
