I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
