I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
