I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he thought i was a dude.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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