i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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