dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
