its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
