Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
