soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
