i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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