You can't motorboat a personality
if only i could text you this smell
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I supernannyed him into submission
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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