I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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