can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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