i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
