I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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