I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
