I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
