You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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