How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
