You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
