I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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