Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize