I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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