Apparently you make a good broom.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize