Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
