hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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