Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
