I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Come on in and take your pants off
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