I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
