My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
