Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
