i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
