oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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