my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
