I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
