Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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