the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
