i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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