I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
