My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
