There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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