how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
