I can't watch pbs sober anymore
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
