I cut my penus on the lid.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
