Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
