It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
