If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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