she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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