Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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