If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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