hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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