i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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