I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
