Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
try to milk me bitch
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
