After last night, I could never be a politician.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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