alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
